If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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