He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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