cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
