whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
