My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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