I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
