Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
