Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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