All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
