You made me cry and you don't even care
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
