a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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