GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
