Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
