If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
