He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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