sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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