sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
