Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
