I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
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She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
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I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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