Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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