She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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