I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
