Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize