so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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