Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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