the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
