I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
