Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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