I can tuck mytits in my pants
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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