We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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