why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
