Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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