youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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