I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
