Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
