you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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