i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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