i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
