I got chris browned last night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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