OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
