Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
