This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
