the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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