it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
