Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
