Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
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I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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