i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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