im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
