got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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