he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize