Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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