He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
