remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
