HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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