I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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