This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
