I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
